why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
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I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
War & Peace
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.