@suecorvette

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

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@Jlgroove_

Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on

@shmofnia

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

@lilplayer809

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

@pizza_dragon

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

@NikiWithIssues

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

@Up2Long

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

@1Happytwit

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

@Thynebear

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

@videojame_

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

@MelvinofYork

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.