Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
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COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
BaD BoY!!
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.