Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
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[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
i think my razor is having a panic attack
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
what
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.