“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
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How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!