WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
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Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
How to draw a duck
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.