why does this building look like a guilty dog
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Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.