Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
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When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?