Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
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[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
DOOO EEEET
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
And then there were 4
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”