Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
You Might Also Like
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.