Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
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Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
yeah not falling for this one
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*