Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?
Because they’re two tired
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News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.