Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
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My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
i meant to share this earlier
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
twitter is a journey
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂