@MariyaAlexander

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”

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@LostFelicia

You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

@brennadine

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

@dumbbeezie

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

@Dawn_M_

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

@AnOrangeSNES

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

@robdelaney

Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?

@abbycohenwl

What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

@Reverend_Scott

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

@notalogin

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

@milifeasdad

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.