Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
You Might Also Like
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Poetry is my passion
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.