why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
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“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
lmao
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.