Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
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Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
only 11 steps left
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).