Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
You Might Also Like
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
This is my emotional support knife.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?