“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
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Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35