“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
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A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning: