“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
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Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.