Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
You Might Also Like
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Where’s my employee discount too?
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone: