Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
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Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way