Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
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I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.