Why font matters.
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I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Very good! 👍😂
*skinny dips into black hole
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes