Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy


In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.


Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom


When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.


HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows


I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.


It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.


COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no


I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.