Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough