Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new
Pfff….poetry is easy
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
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In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks