@OINKimmaPIG

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

You Might Also Like

@OkieGirl405

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

@GoneFishingYo

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

@JaySuch

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

@QwertyJones3

HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows

@TheAlexNevil

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

@MadGamer79

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

@BlindChow

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

@CarpentersCrack

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.