Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
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INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.