Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.

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Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults


Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!


Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.


My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.


At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music


Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.


You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..


My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.


A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.