@WilliamAder

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.

You Might Also Like

@AnnaDoesntWant2

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

@slimmy_shady

Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!

@jwoodham

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

@HenpeckedHal

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

@dlicj

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

@Reverend_Scott

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

@

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

@a_simpl_man

My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.

@causticbob

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.