Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
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“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there