Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
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Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face