Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

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BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist


Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!


Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.


me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a


Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant


Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram


RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust


My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.