“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
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My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
He’s dead
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!