Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
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doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.