Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
You Might Also Like
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Investing in beetcoin
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.