why he move like a hotel transylvania character
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Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.