Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
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tourist season
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
my mind
You just read my mind
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
SPLOOT
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!