Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
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“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Pikachu found the lost joint
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.