Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
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Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”