Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
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Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Cardio Made Easy
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.