Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
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did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.