Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
You Might Also Like
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
i dont have time for this
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.