Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
You Might Also Like
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Why is everyone getting married at me
My wife gives the best headache.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Can’t. Being lazy.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.