Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
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4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I laughed at this way too hard.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.