Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
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I have a place for everything. The floor.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass