why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
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Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Customize Your Wedding.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors