why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
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Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Lucky for them, they’re cute
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
the answer was staring at me all along
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.