Why is everyone getting married at me
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SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.