Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
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Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
We found love in a hopeless place.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit