Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
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Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
don’t we all
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Butt weight. There’s more!
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?