Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
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Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill