Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
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COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
oh shit
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.