Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
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The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
i think we should see other cousins