Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
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Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.